quotemyfoot (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
quotemyfoot) wrote2011-09-24 08:58 am
quotemyfoot) wrote2011-09-24 08:58 am
Nothing's happening
I've been at a point in my life for about, oh, a month or two now where I'm just on the edge of going to do something really wonderful, and don't get me wrong or anything, I am super excite for this change in my life -- but the wait? Is getting old.
I mean, I'm leaving for uni a week tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm tired right now but I just don't even feel that nervous about it right now. Just... the wait is so boring. I can't really do anything worthwhile here because hey, I'll be leaving soon, what's the point? Except for the reading list of many books that I have yet to work through. However, I'm trying to work through the important ones so I don't look like a total ass at least.
Uuuugh. Why can't I just do anything anymore? I mean I've always been a lazy procrastinator but this is really taking it to a whole new level. Do I just not work well outside of a school setting? I keep wondering if I'm going to get to uni and it'll turn out that I just can't function there because hey, lazy procrastinator who needs outside pressure to do her work and doesn't always do it even then. What if I'm just not cut out for the way they do things at uni? The possibility is frightening because I literally have nothing else to do with my life.
Oxford's been the thing I've been working towards for the past year and I didn't even work that hard for it to be truthful, but now I'm guaranteed a place there and it's just... blah. I don't know. I need a new motivation. Maybe I just need a personality transplant. I don't know what to do when things aren't easy.
What am I going to do with my life? I turned 19 two days ago and I don't know what I want to do with my future. Or rather I know what I'd like to do, I just doubt I have the ability to actually do it. Or not even the ability, I don't have the drive. Although I don't know, maybe I don't have the ability either.
Such a long and pointless ramble. This probably doesn't make any goddamn sense either. Blarggh. It would be nice if I had somebody to talk to about this but they'd just say the same things they always say and I didn't believe them the first million times. Apparently you're not allowed to worry about anything if you're clever. Unfortunately I don't work like that.
I mean, I'm leaving for uni a week tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm tired right now but I just don't even feel that nervous about it right now. Just... the wait is so boring. I can't really do anything worthwhile here because hey, I'll be leaving soon, what's the point? Except for the reading list of many books that I have yet to work through. However, I'm trying to work through the important ones so I don't look like a total ass at least.
Uuuugh. Why can't I just do anything anymore? I mean I've always been a lazy procrastinator but this is really taking it to a whole new level. Do I just not work well outside of a school setting? I keep wondering if I'm going to get to uni and it'll turn out that I just can't function there because hey, lazy procrastinator who needs outside pressure to do her work and doesn't always do it even then. What if I'm just not cut out for the way they do things at uni? The possibility is frightening because I literally have nothing else to do with my life.
Oxford's been the thing I've been working towards for the past year and I didn't even work that hard for it to be truthful, but now I'm guaranteed a place there and it's just... blah. I don't know. I need a new motivation. Maybe I just need a personality transplant. I don't know what to do when things aren't easy.
What am I going to do with my life? I turned 19 two days ago and I don't know what I want to do with my future. Or rather I know what I'd like to do, I just doubt I have the ability to actually do it. Or not even the ability, I don't have the drive. Although I don't know, maybe I don't have the ability either.
Such a long and pointless ramble. This probably doesn't make any goddamn sense either. Blarggh. It would be nice if I had somebody to talk to about this but they'd just say the same things they always say and I didn't believe them the first million times. Apparently you're not allowed to worry about anything if you're clever. Unfortunately I don't work like that.
no subject
But yeah, all that bullshit they spout about not needing to worry since you're smart? BULLSHIT. If you need help, I think you should probably chase it down relentlessly, because if you're smart, no one will help you unless you make them. I learned that one the hard way, when everyone who should have cared about me let me fall into crazy depression and suicidal ideation because they all thought that I was smart, so I must have everything under control.
So basically what I'm saying is: LIFE IS BULLSHIT AND IT WON'T GET BETTER. Which means, that you and me, since life is bullshit and we suffer for it, and life won't change, we have to change. Which is terrible, and hard, and I'm stilling failing pretty bad at it a year later.
But I'm a little better now than I was then. Even if it's only a little, and it's horrible and half the time you think it isn't worth it, it's totally worth it. I feel better now.
SO THE POINT OF THIS COMMENT, WHICH IS LONGER THAN YOUR POST: I'm terrible at comfort/advice; I'm sure if you have even one person you can rely on, you can get better.
SORRY.
no subject
In all seriousness thank you for commenting on this. I didn't think anyone would even read it/care, I just needed to get it out of my system. It's nice to know someone's in the same situation. ...Well not NICE, but blah, I'm sure you know what I mean. It's always better in the long run when people are honest with me, so thanks. ♥ I SHALL DO MY BEST TO END (or more likely decrease) THE BULLSHIT.
I'm glad you're feeling better than you were. And... idk how to end this comment, so uh. I guess I'm done now.
no subject
When I was 19, it was the same. I'm 38 now. It was frustrating to be aimless, bright, and seemingly lost. "Oh you'll figure it out" etc etc was said to me too.
Well, the good news is that you probably will. I did. So it's not a random "it gets better" but a real, Yeah, it's gonna suck for awhile, but man, your twenties should be fun if you remain curious, and meanwhile you'll figure some shit out. Then in your thirties, you basically end up saying, Ok, I know who I am, now what am I gonna do with it? Then you start really, really focusing, not just doing things. But you've got to do a lot of things 'til you figure it out. And since you're interested in those things, really deeply and genuinely, you develop drive to do it.
I'm in a career that I had no knowledge of at 19, and frankly was totally different then anyway (bless the technology), so really, don't worry. You'll get there and you'll need to worry along the way; introspection isn't a bad thing unless it's where to you live ALL the time. Being aimless at 19 is kinda required, ESPECIALLY if you're clever.
Good luck to you.